You're not boring, you just lack conversation skills

Growing up, my social skill was pretty much non existent. I was shy, awkward, and could barely even introduce myself without getting red.

That being said, I’ve done my fair share of homework to learn how to have better conversations, and in the process, become a better people’s person and be more charismatic.

These are some lessons and tips I’ve collected along that journey that I have found helpful, which I’ve compiled into this week’s newsletter for you have in your pocket.

The 70/30 Rule

Having a conversation can be broken down simply, into two parts: Talking, and listening.

You can’t have a conversation when you are completely silent. You can’t have an conversation when you’re just talking non stop. And so we can agree that there needs to be a balance between the two, which is why the 70/30 rule is relevant.

Obviously we’re not keeping a mental stopwatch, but the point is to listen more, and speak less. It’s not to encourage you to feel small or to be quiet, it’s more so creating space for others to feel heard, valued, and interesting.

Some of the most effective leaders are effective for this exact reason. Nelson Mandela learned from this father, a tribal chief, to always be the last one to speak in any meeting. By letting everyone else speak first, he gathers more perspectives, encourages more honest discussions, and make others feel valued. When he finally spoke, his words carried more weight because they were informed and relevant.

This is the power of listening, but many of us focus so much on the talking that we forget that listening is also a skill that holds so much value.

I remember a TED Talk I was watching on how to become a better listener. And you know what’s funny…the key to being a better listener is to…get this..to listen. But the problem is, a lot of us listen to respond, instead of listening to understand. Maybe you can relate to this experience where it feels like someone is just waiting for us to finish our thought so that they can speak next. And so it felt like they weren’t even listening, it felt like they were just waiting their turn to speak.

To become a better responder, you first need to become a better listener. The more you truly listen, the more others will open up, the deeper your insights will be, and the more impact your words will have.

Be Genuinely Interested In Others

This is a lesson from the book, How To Win Friends and Influence People. As someone who always felt like in order to be charismatic, you had to have the funniest joke, the most interesting stories, or the most impressive career…. this lesson came as a huge relief, and it’s far more effective.

It works because people naturally love to feel seen and heard. When you turn the spotlight on someone else — asking about their passions, experiences, or achievements — you make them feel valued, respected, and special.

Oprah Winfrey is one of the best interviewers for this exact reason. She’s never the one dominating the conversation; she’s genuinely curious. Her secret isn’t asking the “right” questions, it’s truly listening to the answers and following up thoughtfully. That engagement makes her guests open up, which is why and how we get the depth of conversation that we don’t really see anywhere else.

You don’t have to force interest, its more so intentionally finding aspects that genuinely interest you. When you do, you’ll find your conversations flow more easily, and people will walk away thinking you’re charming — without you ever having to “perform.”

You become interesting, simply because you are interested.

The “You’re the Expert” Frame

I have one uncle who loves to give advice on everything and anything. When I ask for it, and even when I don’t. I’ve come to learned that people love feeling like an authority. And when you value their expertise, you make them feel important.

One of the most underrated ways to have engaging conversations is to make the other person feel like the expert. This isn’t about pretending you know less than you do; it’s about valuing someone’s knowledge and giving them the space to share it.

The problem is, asking for help, advice, or guidance sometimes gets a bad rap. We avoid it because we don’t want to seem weak or incompetent. Even myself, when I’m in a room full of really smart people, I used to go out of my way to avoid asking questions because I didn’t want to appear to be the only one that seemed like I wasn’t understanding. I didn’t want to risk sounding stupid.

But the reality is, when you ask for someone’s opinion, you show respect for their experience, give them a sense of importance, it can create an immediate connection. People naturally warm up to those who value their perspective.

In daily life, it can be as simple as asking a friend for book recommendations, seeking advice on a hobbies, or asking a coworker’s opinion on a project. Follow up with thoughtful questions and reactions, show respect and gratitude — not just a nod of acknowledgment. This reinforces that their perspective matters.

When you make others feel like the expert, you’re not only gaining insight — you’re also building rapport and a subtle, magnetic charm. People will remember how valued they felt in your presence, and that’s the essence of engaging conversation.

Have & Tell Stories

One of the most popular shows, “How I Met Your Mother” is literally the dad retelling stories to his kids…for 9 seasons and over 200 episode.

Stories go a long way because it’s engaging. But the problem comes when you don’t have stories- I thought that also. I felt like I didn’t live in interesting life, and therefore I felt like I never had interesting stories to share. But the reality is, there’s always something happen to us or around us that we can make into a story. We just don’t put the effort into remembering it and valuing it as a story.

I remember there was this guy that I went on a date with, and he was telling me about how one of his new year resolutions was to become a funnier person and I was genuinely so fascinated. How does one even measure that?

And so he goes on to tell me about how he practices being funnier. He takes note of all stories that happen to him and around him, and keeps them in his phone’s note app for him to retell. And based off the reaction he gets, he’ll know whether to keep or scrap those stories. And I found that to be genius. Because the idea is, over time, you build a collection of stories quite literally in your pocket, that you like, and serve the purpose you want of either entertaining, humoring, relating, or charming.

Successful comedians literally tell stories for a living, and there are able to entertain so effectively, speak so funny and charmingly, because they’ve mastered this as well. They actively observe life and turn it into content, and they go through the same practice of curating content, and keeping only the ones that evoke the best reactions.

Your life is full of stories, and by leveraging this same practice, and curating them, you have the ability to create a tool you can carry to connect with anyone anyway you want. We’ve all listened to talks that felt like lectures, or conversations that sounded like a sales pitch, but stories have the power to hold attention because it no longer sounds like someone trying to sell you something or a boring lecture. This is the value that stories hold, and you have the ability to curate it if you choose to put in that effort.

Mirror Emotions (Not just Words)

One of the reasons we love talking to our best friends is because they share our excitement and our anger or our disappointment when you tell them something. And this is so importance because it goes so much further than just agreeing to what someone says. It adds depth to your response, and therefore builds on the quality of your conversation.

There is that saying people may not remember what you say, but they will remember how you make them feel. And that is exactly why mirroring emotions works because it creates that sense of chemistry, where the person not only feels heard, they also feel understood, and their perspective feels validated.

Obviously if you 100% disagree with what they said or did, don’t get all happy and excited and validate them. But if someone is sharing a win with you, feel excited with them. If they’re venting with you, share their frustration. We do this naturally with our friends and family already but when you extend it into conversations with people you don’t know as well also, it instantly elevates the quality of your interactions.

If we revisit the Oprah’s interaction with her guests, we can also take note of how effectively she does this also. Often times when guests open up about themselves, she’ll feel excited with them, shocked with them, sometimes she’ll even cry with her guests.

That kind of emotional synchronization holds so much value, because when your reaction supports their perspective, it relaxes them because they don’t see the need to go into defense mode because you’re not contradicting them, it queues their mind to see you as an ally, making your presence feel warmer, and the conversation more engaging and memorable.

Be Playful

Humor creates instant connection. A little bit of teasing, some witty observations, or sharing funny stories has the ability to brighten to the mood and even create chemistry.

Humor releases dopamine, making people associate you with happiness, fun, and pleasure. And so not only are you having great conversations, you’re also being remembered in a positive light.

It can also be so powerful as a tool to take the heat out of something that was meant to use against you, like a jab disguised as a joke, a comment or a rumor that was meant to embarrass you. We’ve explored this with Hailey Bieber, in her Vogue interview where she used humor and satire to address what people were saying about her being obsessed, a stalker, and a nepo baby.

@hercampus

wait, is she talking to us or Justin? 👀 🎥 @Vogue #haileybieber #justinbieber #clapback #mentality

She has made attempts to dismiss the rumors plenty of time before and they added no real value in clearing her reputation. But the moment she leaned into satire, people began making clips of her and began portraying her and seeing her in a new light.

Maybe you can relate as well, but a lot of the times when I’m talking to someone new, I feel like this pressure to be polite. The thought of being playful, doesn’t cross my mind because I’m telling myself that we aren’t that close. As a result those interactions feel almost customer service-y, but the point of being charismatic is to try to come off as friendly. And the only way to lighten that mood up is to be more playful.

Being polite makes a conversation safe. Playfulness makes them memorable.

This isn’t to say that you have to be the funniest person, it’s simply to remind you to have fun in the process and in the conversations you have. It’s to help you realize that you can relax, and that it can even work in your favor.

Great conversations are about connection, not talking the most or being the funniest. By listening more, showing genuine interest, spotlighting others’ expertise, sharing stories, mirroring emotions, and being playful, you make people feel seen and valued, and as a result, you’re seen as charming, pleasurable to talk to, and to be around.

I don’t want to hear anyone saying that you can’t have good conversations because you don’t have anything interesting to say. You’re not boring, you just lack conversation skills. And the beauty about skills, is that they can be practiced and improved on. And with these lessons and tips that honestly I’m still practicing also, I hope that it can help you in being a better conversationalist, and as a result, more charismatic.

Thank you for showing up this week, I hope to see you in the next one. In the meantime, as always… stay hot. ✨

Xoxo,

It Girl Playbook

P.S. I need your help

One our last newsletter, I’ve got plenty of suggestions on video topics we can explore. I’ve compiled some into a list, which would you like to see next?

I’m so grateful I get to have live feedback from you guys directly. 🩷

P.P.S. She’s Almost Done 📕✨

As per your request, I’ve been working on “The Charisma Playbook” ebook and she’s just about ready.

Thank you so much for your patience on this ebook, it was so fun to put together. For everyone on this email list, I’ll be sending out a link to the ebook in the next day or so. Keep an eye out for the surprise email! 📧