How to be Charismatic

Charisma is used to describe someone who has the ability to attract and influence others due to their charm, personality, and magnetism.

We want to be charismatic, and it’s easy to think that you need to be born with charm in order to be charming. But I like to believe that being charismatic is a skill, that anyone can learn and get good at with practice.

But what exactly do we practice? 

As one of my goals this year was to become a better people’s person, I’ve done plenty of homework on this. I’ve read books, watched TedX talks, took courses, and observed people to learn the psychology, communication, and energy of charisma. This is a compilation of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned.

Be Genuinely Interested In Others

This is the first lesson from the book, How To Win Friends and Influence People. Charisma isn’t always about impressing people. Sometimes, it’s about being impressed (or interested) in others, and making them feel important.

Psychologically, this taps into the Spotlight Effect, which says people overestimate how much others notice them—because we’re all mainly focused on ourselves. So when someone shows genuine curiosity about us, it feels rare, flattering, and memorable.

Oprah is one of the best and most charismatic interviewers because she understands this. She doesn’t dominate the conversation, she makes her guest feel like the most important person in the room. She doesn’t pull the spotlight onto her, she lets it reflect back to the person she is interviewing.

People love to feel like the star of the show, and so when you shift conversation towards the other person’s passions, experiences, and achievements, give them your full attention and show genuine interest in what they have to share, it makes them feel valued. And as a result, you become magnetic to them. Ironically, you’ll noticed that the less you try to be interesting and the more you show interest, the more people see you as charismatic.

Never Outshine the Master

This is the first lesson from the book 48 Laws of Power, warning us that sometimes, trying to impress is the worst thing you can do.

It taps into the psychology of status and ego. People are drawn to those who make them feel important, not those who make them feel small. When you’re impressing, it can make them feel like you’re taking up too much spotlight, triggering a sense of competition in others—even subconsciously.

In the book, the author shares a story of someone trying to impress the king by throwing a lavish party. The party was a great hit and everyone was so impressed by the party, that the king had the guy sentenced. People have egos, and because no one wants to admit it, it’s difficult to identify making it dangerous to “impress” because to the wrong people, it makes them feel threatened. It makes them feel like you are stealing their spotlight, and as a result, instead of you charming them, they now feel threatened. Don’t make people feel small to look big—spotlight them, not yourself.

Casanova was infamously known to be the most charismatic man of history. He wasn’t necessarily the most attractive, handsome man at the time, but he was incredibly charming for this reason. He spotlighted the ladies he interacted with. He shifted the focus to spotlight them, how beautiful they were, how special they were, how interesting and impressive they were. Not him. And the result? Clearly very successful.

Confidence is Charming

This is a lesson I came to learn after I was charmed by Jia from a show I was watching called Singles Inferno. If you’ve seen the show, you would probably agree with me, that she was one of the most magnetic women there—not because she was the loudest, not because she was trying to impress anyone, but because she was confident. You could feel it in the way she spoke about herself, how she carried herself, and the way she took care of herself.

When you love yourself and pour into yourself so much, you feel whole and that is what confidence is. And when you’re confident, you create space to appreciate others instead of competing with them. For example, when Jia and another woman shared a date with the same guy, and he clearly only showed interest in the other girl, Jia just sat there and enjoyed her coffee. She didn’t feel the need to try to impress the guy and compete with the other woman, for his attention and his interest. When someone lacks confidence, it often shows up as overcompensating, bragging, or being overly critical—behaviors that make others feel tense or judged. That’s why confidence isn’t just attractive—it’s comforting.

Confidence and self love is a mirror. If you feel good about yourself, then you will make others feel good about themselves. The same is true for the opposite: when you don’t feel good about yourself, you project that outwards and make others feel bad, and no one want’s to be around someone who makes them feel bad about themselves.

That is why confident people are naturally just charming but confidence starts with how you choose to love, respect, and pour into yourself. And when you do, when you love yourself, respect yourself, and pour into yourself, like Jia, others will follow.

The Pratfall Effect

The Pratfall Effect is a fascinating concept from social psychology: People like you more when you’re competent but human, aka also a little imperfect. Many of us want to understandably want to make our best impression, and so we try to portray that best of ourselves. But the problem comes when we confuse “best version” with “perfect version.”

Perfection creates distance. It feels intimidating and unrelatable. When someone seems too flawless, it’s hard for others to connect with them on a human level.

Jennifer Lawrence is a great example. Remember when she tripped on the Oscar stairs? Instead of panicking, she laughed if off, and even joked about it. She was already seen as talented and successful (competent), so the little slip made her seem down-to-earth and relatable, and people adored her even more for it.

This is the same reason why i think so many people adore Tom Holland, who is known for accidentally revealing marvel spoilers during interviews, making hime even more beloved because his slip ups show his excitement and authenticity. He’s clearly competent as an actor, so his clumsy honesty comes off as charming.

A lot of us either get defensive or feel incredible ashamed but there’s no need, because it makes us human and actually works in our favor because it makes you more relatable. So if you want to be magnetic, learn to embrace the occasional slip-up, and stop obsessing over being perfect. Competence earns respect, but humanity earns hearts.

The Enemy Effect

You’ve probably heard the saying: “The enemy of an enemy is my friend.” This captures the essence of the Enemy Effect—a psychological phenomenon where people bond deeply and quickly over a shared opponent or challenge.

Think about movies like Mean Girls. Cady was the new girl, but her and Janis immediately bonded over their shared dislike for Regina George. It created an alliance that drove the entire plot.

The “enemy” doesn’t always have to be a person. It can be a situation, a toxic workplace, a stressful class, or a shared struggle like financial stress. It’s that common threat, that forms a “us vs them” dynamic which create psychological trust quickly.

One of my closest friends, I actually haven’t even met in person yet, but we share such a strong bond that initially started over our mutual dislike for our jobs. And so we worked together on building something of our own to overcome that situation.

So how do you use this to boost charisma? Find shared pain points—not in a manipulative way, but simply to connect. If someone mentions they’re stressed about school, a tough client, or even the weather, lean into that commonality. Saying, “Oh my goodness, me too. I thought I was the only one!” immediately shifts the dynamic from strangers to teammates. Charisma isn’t always about being positive and bubbly; sometimes, it’s about saying, “I get it. I’ve been there too.” That shared understanding creates trust, and trust is magnetic.

Activating the Right Emotions

If there’s one group of people who can charm like a fox, it’s people in sales or marketing. In a class I took on viral marketing by Jonah Berger, he taught me one of the most effective ways to get people to act—whether that’s buying something, sharing something, or simply remembering you—you have to make them feel something. But the things is, not all emotions are created equal- not every emotion creates the same level of engagement.

Professor Berger talks about the difference between low-arousal emotions (like sadness or contentment) and high-arousal emotions (like awe, excitement, anger, or even surprise).

High-arousal emotions get people moving, talking, and sharing because they activate energy. Think about it: when you’re really sad, you usually withdraw. But when you’re inspired, shocked, or fired up, you feel compelled to do something—whether that’s sharing a story, engaging in a conversation, or venting to someone.

This is why emotional Super Bowl ads go viral. The funny, awe-inspiring, or shocking ones get people talking. For example:

• The Kanye one, where he spent all his marketing budget getting an ad on the superbowl, that he didn’t have money for the actual production and had to record on his iPhone? It was shocking, funny, and as a result it had people talking and it went viral.

• The same with Always and their #LikeAGirl campaign, that taps into pride and inspiration. The ones that simply talk about facts and features, just aren’t as memorable.

Charisma isn’t about being fake or dramatic—it’s about being emotionally intelligent. And by applying this beyond just sales and marketing, it can make you a very emotionally intelligent person. Because not only are you emotionally connecting with people, which is always more effective because people can forget what you say but they won’t forget how you make them feel, but beyond just that…you connect on the most activating emotions.

Maintain Mystery & Intrique:

This principle come from Robert Green’s The Art of Seduction which says to “reveal yourself gradually” and from so many people I’ve observed, even the case studies we’ve done like on Alexa Demie, it has supported this. You can define what mystery means to you, but the point is to not overshare. Humans are naturally curious, and oversharing removes that curiosity and intrigue.

Psychologically, this ties into Cialdini’s principle of scarcity from the book Influence: we value what feels rare or exclusive. When someone is overly available or gives away everything upfront, the perceived value drops. On the flip side, when you maintain a little mystery—when there’s something left to discover—you create intrigue and allure.

A lot of celebrities do this where they show up at events, stay for a bit, and excuse themselves saying they have somewhere else to be even when they don’t. It drives up social value. This doesn’t mean being cold or playing games; it’s about balance. Warmth draws people in, but mystery keeps them hooked.

Many high-status people master this—they’re friendly, they engage, but they always seem to have somewhere else to be. That limited access signals value.

Charisma thrives on intrigue. When people feel there’s more to learn about you, they lean in. Mystery makes you memorable because you become a story in progress, not a closed book. So, be warm, be engaging, but don’t put your entire personality on the table right away. Keep a little for later—that’s how you stay magnetic.

Charisma comes in all different styles, but I feel like the ones highlighted today felt the most universal and would apply to everyone. These are simply just tools that you can take and practice to build charisma as a skill, but feel free to apply it in a way that feels authentic to you so that your charm is genuine to you.

Thank you for showing up this week, I hope you see you in the next one. In the meantime, as always…stay hot. ✨

Xoxo,

It Girl Playbook

P.S. I need your help:

We have the Playbook Mini where I’ve compiled a list of the first few It Girls we explored, with their mindsets and values, for you to have for your reference as a tool. Would you be interested in The Charisma Playbook?

I’ve done my fair share of homework to learn about charisma, and so I plan to compile the lessons I’ve learned into a similar format. I’d love to share it with you (for free ofc) if you think it’d be helpful.